Puppy Love Page 17

  “Not really.” I answered.

  “Me either. I’m pretty bored. Wanna hang out? Play some pool? I owe you a drink for getting that crazy girl off my back.”

  “Sure.” I agreed. “That’d be cool.”

  I appreciated the gesture. I still wasn’t going to take it as an opportunity to pursue him, of course. I meant it when I said that I really don’t chase straight guys. But without their conversation to eavesdrop on, I knew I was going to be pretty bored drinking here by myself.

  Besides, I could use more friends. Particularly the kind that go drinking at the beach in the middle of the day on Wednesday. I was fresh out of spontaneous friends.

  “So what brings you here?” I asked.

  “The beach, I guess.”

  I laughed. “Well, duh. But I mean, like, you don’t work or anything? Is this your day off?”

  “Oh, yeah, it is. I do work but my job is kind of unconventional with weird hours so I have a lot of time during the day to just fuck around.”

  “Perfect job to have.” I smile.

  He gave a soft smile back.

  “What about you? What brings you here?”

  “Oh, just boredom today. I usually get Wednesdays off and work Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Boring office job, not many interesting details to give.”

  I couldn’t help but notice he also didn’t give any details of his job, but I wasn’t going to ask. I had a feeling if he wanted me to know, he’d tell me.

  “I’m usually not a total loner, either.” I told him. “I used to come here a lot with friends, but they go out a lot less these days. But, whatever, no shame in chilling alone right?”

  “Can’t say there is.” He paused. “Except it doesn't feel so great today.”

  I was a little surprised with how forward he was being. He had been so shut off to that girl and yet he was so honest with me. But maybe he just really wasn’t looking for any kind of romantic interest tonight so he shut her out quickly. Which I understood more than anyone.

  “You know, I was just thinking of that today. It really, honestly doesn’t feel great.”

  He sighed. “If I’m being honest, I came here because I was hoping to get drunk enough to drown out my frustrations while also being surrounded by other people” He paused. “I shouldn't have said that.” He laughed. “How awkward that I said that to you just now. Clearly, I’m a little too drunk and a lot too honest. But do you know what I’m talking about? How, even if you aren’t coming to hang out with anyone, it makes you feel less lonely to be surrounded by strangers?”

  “I know exactly what you mean.” I told him. “I can’t even express the disappointment I felt when I walked in here and found the place empty.”

  “Not totally empty.” He held his glass up and I clanked it to mine.

  “No, not totally.”

  “You want to be less whiny about our situations and play some pool?” He asked.

  “Sure.” I smiled. We downed our drinks and got up to play.

  I wasn’t a big pool fan, but this was actually kind of fun. It was surprising how easily I fell into a zone of comfort with this guy. We didn’t know each other, had no reason to be comfortable, but it’s like we were old friends. Conversation just flowed so easily.

  And, of course, it helped that he was not bad to look at. Not bad to look at is an understatement, really. The man was fucking gorgeous. He had this perfect symmetrical face, speckled with facial hair. Thick brown hair that he had styled upwards. Every once in a while when he was trying to focus on his shot, he ran his hands through it and it was the cutest damn thing.

  I’ll admit, if he was gay I’d be all over him. But I knew where to draw boundaries. There was no fun in making people around me uncomfortable, especially since that girl already did that for him earlier.

  Besides, I was trying to stay away from romantic relationships right now, anyway. Things really crashed and burned with my last ex and I just didn’t feel like exploring anything else right now. What I really needed were friends, and I think I may have found one in this guy.

  At least, I really hoped I did.

  23

  Liam

  It was weird, just a little while ago, when that girl was hitting on me, I was really regretting coming out to this bar. I mean, she was really fucking annoying and having a girl pursue me who I wasn’t interested in only reminded me of why I was depressed in the first place… Because I was alone.

  But now, my entire mood had turned around. And all because I was making conversation with this guy. I’d never had anyone lift my spirits up so easily before, especially not lately.

  I was talking to him just as easily as I’d always talked with Jeff. No, actually, more like how I used to talk with Jeff. Because lately things between us had been anything but easy. In fact, conversation with anyone had become downright difficult.

  But maybe I’d have a new buddy. He seemed to be enjoying hanging out too, just shooting the shit with me. I needed that in my life.

  Even though what I really wanted was a romantic relationship, I needed to take my opportunities where I could get them. Until I found the girl I wanted to be with, I needed friends to get me through the day. I had none now.

  Still, I couldn’t help but have a reoccurring intrusive thought that really started to break through my barrier of happiness. What if we did become friends, and I ended up pushing him away like everyone else? What if I just drowned him in my unhappiness?

  I really can't handle another rejection from a friend. It just compounded on my intense loneliness in a way that wasn’t healthy.

  He didn’t seem like someone who would be drowned by my sorrow though. He was actually incredibly upbeat. He had a positivity that just sort of radiated through him. I needed that right now.

  “Has anyone ever told you that you smile like, a lot?” I asked him.

  “Oh yes, I make it an effort.” He grinned at me as we started putting our cues back in their proper place.

  “I thought you said you were having a bad day when you came in here? With the bar being empty and whatnot?”

  “Oh, I was. Definitely. But a little thing like that won’t keep me from smiling. I think the best way to combat a negative day is just to try to shine a little bit more positivity onto it. Even if you can’t change your own mood, maybe you can change someone elses.”

  “Well, can’t dispute that.” I answered. “You changed mine.”

  It wasn’t hard to see, he was my total opposite. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I could learn from him. I definitely wanted to change my outlook on life.

  I really didn’t mind that he was gay. I had never been homophobic. I hadn’t had any gay friends in the past, admittedly, but it wasn’t concerning.

  I mean, why would it be? Just because he could potentially be attracted to me? Girls could be potentially attracted to me, too, and I’d had girl friends in the past. Not to mention, he was coming onto me a lot less than most women I’d met did.

  I actually think I liked that he was gay. It was hard to explain. But with my other guy friends, the ones I used to have, I always felt a little on edge. Like I was always trying to prove my masculinity. Everything was a competition and every competition had to be conquered like a man.

  I didn’t feel that right now. I just felt… relaxed. Like I could be myself and I didn’t have to be constantly posturing while we hung out.

  “What do you want to do now?” He asked.

  I thought for a second. “Another beer on the beach, maybe?”

  “I’m down. This rounds on you though, remember?”

  I laughed. “I remember.”

  Neither of us had a beach towel or anything, so we found our way toward a bench in the sand. It was one of the very few benches on this beach and it was usually occupied, but things were so slow today that we were able to take advantage of it.

  “How do you like the ocean?” He asked me.

  I had never been asked this before, I had to really thi
nk about it before I gave an answer. “It’s nice. I mean, nice to look at. Not nice to swim in or anything.”

  “You don’t swim in the ocean?” He asked.

  “Hell no.” I shook my head.

  He laughed. “That’s silly. Why not?”

  Again, I hadn’t really been asked this and I never put much thought into why it bothered me. He asked me questions I never really bothered to address.

  “I don’t know I guess it just feels so… vast. I have no idea what’s out there, you know? What danger could be lurking right under the surface. Putting myself out into it… It just seems like a lot of risk, I guess.”

  He thought about this. “Or a lot of reward.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “You just say vast like it’s a bad thing. But vast can be good, too. The unknown can possibly contain just as many good things as bad things. You never really know what joy you might find if you just took the risk.”

  “I hadn’t thought of it like that before.” I told him. And I hadn’t.

  I got this uncomfortable feeling for some reason. Looking at him right now made me feel… Odd. I couldn’t describe it, but I didn’t much like it. Even though I did actually like what he was saying. It just made me uncomfortable for some reason.

  “It’s probably about that time for me.” I looked down at my watch. “I’ve got a few things to do at home.”

  “Oh, okay.” He said, but I was reminded of the disappointment that I saw in the face of the woman I turned down at the bar the other night.

  “It was really nice meeting you, hanging out and stuff.” I extended my hand.

  “Yeah, it was nice meeting you too.” He shook back.

  I got up to leave, when I felt his arm on my shoulder.

  “Wait.” He stopped me. “I’m, uh, having a party on Saturday. Any way you’d like to go?”

  “Yeah.” I nodded. “Sure, why not?”

  “Cool. Let’s exchange numbers.” He said. “So I can send you my address and stuff.”

  I took out my phone and handed it to him, and he gave me his. I put in my number and gave it back.

  “Cool, see you Saturday.” He smiled.

  “See ya.” I said, keeping on a stoic face. But as I began to make my way back to my car, I couldn’t help but look down at his number programmed into my phone and smile.

  24

  Alex

  I felt a little guilty for it, but I just couldn’t help but thinking about Liam for the rest of the week.

  I know he’s straight and completely off limits and I’d never go after him or anything knowing that. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t secretly feel attracted to him. Which I did.

  And if I didn’t know better, I’d think he was attracted to me too. But I did know better. It was probably just wishful thinking.

  Still, at least I knew he did have an interest in being friends with me. And that was the important thing, that’s all I needed right now. I definitely don’t need to find myself in a tryst with a straight man.

  I heard a knock on my door and knew immediately that Sarah must be here. It was about an hour until the party and she promised to come over and help me get things set up.

  “Hey!” She grinned as I opened the door. She had a bag of alcohol in one hand and a bag of chips in the other.

  “Hey, come in.” I said, shutting the door behind her.

  “You owe me 30 bucks for your half of all this.” She said smartly.

  Of course, I didn’t mind. It was technically my party, I should be paying for all the alcohol, but I knew Sarah wasn’t like that. She’d never leave me hanging. She was my very best friend.

  She was one of the few friends who hadn’t completely moved on. Only in the sense that she didn’t have a husband or was planning kids in the next year. Still, she had a job she loved and was very focused on her career so I saw her a lot less than I used to.

  “Whose coming?” She asked.

  “Just the regulars.” I answered. “Should only be about 15 people.”

  “Or a lot less.” She scoffed. “Who knows whose going to bail?”

  “They better fucking not!” I said. “I told them to clear this date a month ago for that very reason.”

  “Fingers crossed then.” She shrugged, clearly unconvinced.

  I began opening bags of chips and putting them into big bowls while she put the drinks in the freezer to cool quickly.

  “Any gossip I should know about before everyone gets here?” She asked. “We’ve barely talked in weeks. Fill me in on anything I need to know.”

  “Nothing I can think of…” I stopped. “Oh, I did invite a guy I met to the party.”

  “A guy?!” She exclaimed. “There’s a guy and you haven’t even mentioned it?”

  Even when we didn’t have much contact, I was always was sure to tell Sarah as soon as there was another man in my life.

  “Not that kind of guy.” I told her. “It’s not romantic. We just met at a bar last Wednesday and hit it off. We played some pool, hung out the beach, so I asked him if he wanted to come tonight.”

  She scoffed. “You met at a bar and hung out on the beach? Sounds romantic to me.”

  “No, seriously, it’s not like that. He’s straight as a fucking arrow. I mean, really, the guy exudes masculinity.”

  “Well, what’s his name?” She questioned as she shut the door to the freezer.

  “Liam.” I said. “You’ll like him. He’s really friendly, super built, and-“

  “Super built?” She raised an eyebrow. “Please don’t tell me you like this guy.”

  “What?! No! I told you, he’s straight.”

  “But you’re not.” She’s pressed.

  I averted my gaze.

  “Be honest with me. Do you like this guy?”

  “I’m not going to lie. He’s attractive.”

  “Alex!” She chastised me.

  “What?!” I said, though I already knew what the problem was.

  “You can’t go pining after straight men. You’re only going to get yourself hurt.”

  “I’m not pining!” I insisted. “I just can’t help it. He’s very, very attractive. You’ll see when he gets here. Anyone would be attracted to him. Hell, maybe you’ll even hit it off with him.” But even just suggesting it hurt me. I played it off casually, but I didn’t like the thought of him flirting with Sarah.

  “Yeah, I’m not going after a guy you like.” She rolled her eyes.

  Thank god she was such a decent friend.

  “It’s really nothing. I know better, there’s nothing for me with a straight man. I’m not going to pursue anything.”

  “I hope not.” She said seriously. “I remember what happened a few years ago with Jason. I don’t want you getting hurt again.”

  Jason was an ex, one of the few that I was actually very serious with. He had never dated before me but, when we finally got together after being friends for a while, he seemed very enthusiastic about our relationship. We kept things secret because he just wasn’t ready to come out to his family and friends.

  And I accepted that, I really did. It wasn’t that fun having a secret relationship, but I loved him to pieces and I’d do anything for him.

  But a year later, when things got too real, he completely broke my heart. He said he wasn’t really gay, he was just confused. That he couldn’t continue to live this lifestyle. He was worried about what his parents and friends were going to think.

  I’ll admit it, it broke me for a while. I would have done anything for him, and after he decided to go back to being straight, he acted like I never existed. He went no contact immediately after that and suddenly this huge part of my life was suddenly missing.

  But I persevered, like I always do.

  “I got over that.” I told Sarah. “There’s been tons of other men in my life since Jason. I don’t know why you always fixate on that.”

  “Because it took forever for you to get over it!”
She insisted. “I was there, I remember.”

  I admit, of all the heartbreak I’ve experienced, Jason was the worst.

  “But I learned my lesson. Never again will I chase a straight guy, I swear. He’s just a friend.”

  “Well, maybe you should consider not being ‘just friends’ with men you’re clearly attracted to.” She sat herself down on my love-seat. “Maybe it’s going to be tempting for you.”

  “It’s fine!” I insisted. She wouldn’t let it go, though.

  “But why do you even need to make friends? We’ve got tons of friends!”

  “Because I barely see our ‘tons of friends.’” I sighed. “Lets face it, Sarah. They’re moving on without me. And I’m a little lonely. I need people I can still hang out with. And I liked hanging out with him, so let it go.”

  “Fine.” She shrugged. “But don’t make me say I told you so.”

  I know she only had my best interests at heart, and I love her for that. But the reality is I’m not going to let anyone talk me out of this friendship with Liam.

  We fucked around and watched TV while people started to arrive. Thankfully, nobody flaked, which I especially appreciated since Liam was going to be here. I didn’t want him showing up to a “party” of only five people. That would’ve been embarrassing.

  I turned on music as we all began to get settled in. We also pulled a table out of my room to play some beer pong on. Four people got a game going, but I opted out claiming that I needed to do some ‘hosting.’ In reality, I just didn’t want to be preoccupied when Liam arrived.

  I was also glad that he wasn’t the first to show up. Thankfully, he was 45 minutes late and the party was already in full swing when he got here.

  But I admit, nerves swept over me when I heard the doorbell ring. I knew it was him because everyone else was already here. I tried to shake it off the best I could, but it was my clear cut sign that I really did have quite the crush on him.

  “Hey!” I said as I answered the door.

  “Hey.” He smiled back.

  I could swear I saw some nervousness on his face too. But, if I did, it was probably just because he was coming to a party full of people that he did not know.